Hi, am a 20 year old. My first sexual encounter was with my cousin. My brother and I had gone to bring goats back home, when he and my cousin coarsed me into an act that I much later knew to be sex. I was 5 years old. As early as my age of 10, I knew how to manipulate my genitals so as to receive satisfaction whenever I met any girl who looked especially nice to me. I do not know how I discovered this act, but the peak of it used to end in release of a few drops of urine. I started undressing girls in my mind. I did not know what I was doing was, but I was sure I did not like it.
Later on, I gave my life to Christ, but I continued with this act, though infrequently. During the process, I would create sex scenes in my mind with someone I had seen that day, and after feeling I had used them, the urge would stop, followed by guilt.
I did not know that I what I was doing was called masturbation, till my S.4 vacation. This was a season when I almost had my would-be second sexual encounter, only to remember there was pregnancy and STDs, a few seconds from the act.
I recommitted my life to the lord, and returned to serious ministry, but masturbation still pursued me. It was so private, and I felt people were looking at me whenever such a thing was mentioned. I felt i hated myself.
I am now at a public university, and actively involved in church ministry. I have no one who knows the real me, for most times, I keep to myself and I feel more comfortable not sharing my secret life with anyone. However, I find no problem making –hi-friends, infact, I have so many. I trust every body looks at me as a good-boy, disciplined, God fearing, and some have confessed I am their mentor, and that they wish they could be like me.
However, of recent, I still gave in to a heavy masturbation after a strong battle within my mind. Plus, whenever I am in anxiety, worry or panic e.g. when time catches up with me in a paper, I uncontrollably squeeze my genitals till I masturbate. I feel so dirty, and I know the bible condemns it. Worse, I make my pants grossly wet, that I have to go to the toilet to try clean myself up.
I made a promise to God to stop it, but I have broken the promise on many occasions. I know I am unfair to myself, to those I minister with, to my future-mate and to God. Masturbation is a real struggle. I know there are people like me, and its for that reason I wanted to share my story. I know it is possible to stop. I do not mind this being shared with anybody, but I have decided to keep myself anonymous, because many people know me.
Pray with me. Please abstain and be clean! You can decide to stop that addiction-follow my example.